28 Funny Quotes Sure To Put A Smile On Your Face

by Vincent Salera 27 Jul 2018

1. “What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?”
― Kiersten White, Paranormalcy

2. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

3. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guisewite

4. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld

5. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

6. “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir

7. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

8. “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Albert Einstein

9. “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

10. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe

11. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

12. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers

13. “Puns are the highest form of literature.”
― Alfred Hitchcock

14. “Do you want a cookie?
– What?
– A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?
– No.
– How can you not want a cookie?
– I just don’t.
– Okay, fine,let’s say you did want a cookie. Let’s say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?
– I’d eat a cookie?
– Exactly. That’s all I’m saying.
– What are you saying?
– That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It’s what people do.
– Let me guess. Dad won’t let you have a
– No. Even though I’m practically starving to death, he won’t even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.
– And you don’t think that’s fair.
– You just said you’d get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can’t I? I’m not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.
– Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so
– It’s not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,
you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don’t count. Like you
said, it’s not fair.
– So what are you going to do?
– I’m going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn’t fair
to ten-year-olds.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

15. “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
― Robert Benchley

16. “Inconceivable!”
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

17. “I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”
― Lauren Myracle

18. “Why it’s simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don’t you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing’s impossible!”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

19. “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings

20. “Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.”
― John Green

21. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin

22. “She didn’t care that people called her a bitch. ‘It’s just another word for feminist,’ she told me with pride.”
― Gayle Forman, If I Stay

23. “I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ”
― William Faulkner

24. “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
― Woody Allen

25. “Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.”
― Thomas Bernhard, Correction

26. “Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World

27. “Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”
― Erica Jong

28. “Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

Vincent Salera

Founder CEO/CCO @ World's Best Story™ amplifier of creativity & fun!